The Truth! A Testimony, Seriously!
by George the Leprechaun
Summary: Ron and Hermione give their views about events in books one through five. Fiesty aren't they!
1. Prologue

A/N: _Hello my darling readers, how I do appreciate your time! Anyway, my darling pal Sadistra is fixing my story to put in italics so it is easier to comprehend for you all. Hell, it confused me too. Ron is in regular type and Hermione is in Italics. Enjoy!_

The Truth!

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_A testimony by Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley._

Prologue

Dear Astute Reader,

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My name is Her-

HERMIONE! Quit using big words. No one knows what 'astute' means anyway. Can't I just sum it up in a paragraph or two?

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Ronald! No you can't. What kind of author are you? We were going to have a nice introduction but I guess not anymore because you are too tactless. (Technically, 'astute' is a short word because it only consists of six letters, Ron.)

Don't call me Ronald. (No, it's not short!)

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I'll call you Ronald if I want to. (Yes, it is.)

Oh yeah? (No, it's not!)

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Yeah. (Yes, it is.)

You little- 

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THE CHILDREN, RONALD! (I win.)

Oh… Hi. Do you happen to have any cheese? If you do, can you please send it to: Draco Malfoy; Slytherin House; Great Hall. Don't forget to hex it! (No I didn't! You cut me off. You are disqualified.)

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Ron! No! Don't do that! (It wasn't a contest, smart one.)

And why not, Hermy? HAHA! (Who said?)

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Because the last person who received hexed dairy products… Well, you don't want to know. And don't call me Hermy! (Who said it was one?)

Yes I do! What happened? Oh! A hobbit! (Stop using psychology on me! It hurts my brain…)

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Hobbit? Where? Maybe I should knit some hats… (What brain?)

No! He… err… went, uh, home! (PRAT!)

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Anyway, the seventh year Gryffindor, Thea Walsh, she was turned into a talking baby! She was in the Hospital Wing for months!

A talking baby?

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Yes… I dunno.

Sure you don't.

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I don't!

First thing you don't know!

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Shut up, Weasley! Anyway, the reason we are writing this is because we are sick of only Harry's viewpoint being heard. We have voices, too!

Yeah!

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You are so dull…

Watch it, Granger!

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What are you going to do? Try and jinx me?

Shut _up_!

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No!

Yes!

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No!

Yes!

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Yes!

No!

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See, you are stupid…

No, I'm not!

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That's what you say.

Grr!!!!


	2. Chapter One: The Philospher's Stone

Hello there, reader. This is the author. Hello. *Big smile and a ten minute silence period* I know this story is a bit confusing, considering the two characters are writing. But remember, Hermione is in italics, and Ron is in regular type.

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Disclaimer: I obviously did not make up these characters and the basis of the plot. I did, however make up the fictitious events! Go me! The rest belongs to J.K. Rowling and/or the famous people's names used against their will in my demented story!

CHAPTER UNO- THE PHILOSPHER'S STONE

Okay, this is Ron. 

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Uh, they know that. You are so stupid! You spelled the title wrong.

I did?

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Of course you did! Philosopher is spelled p-h-i-l-o-s-o-p-h-e-r, not p-h-i-l-o-s-p-h-e-r. 

Carry on!

Okay, right. Anyways- 

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It's 'anyway!'

Shut up and let me write, okay! You can ramble on in the next chapter! 

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True.

Okay, so anyway, when I first left my house in the morning, we were late because Percy forgot his badge shine and me mum forgot to kiss dad. And, remember, I'm perfect, so I didn't forget a thing!

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Yeah…you are so_ perfect._

Shut up, Hermione! Anyway, as soon as we got to King's Cross, mum pushed me through the little barrier thingy and I sat down in an empty compartment. As I sat there, some scrawny-looking, lost boy came in. He asked me, "Can I sit here?"

I wanted to say 'no', but, since I am perfect, I offered him a seat. I introduced myself and he told me that he was Harry Potter. Of course, I was bewildered and we continued on the subject of him for a while. As soon as that subject became old, a girl invaded our privacy and asked if we had seen Neville Longbottom's toad. 

We hadn't, so I said that we hadn't and she insulted me by saying that I had a bit of dirt on my nose. It was a freckle! Thank God she left, or else I'd have to have put a curse on the hag.

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HAG?! RONALD!!!!! YOU ARE A BAS-

Hermione…. The children….

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WHO CARES!! NEVER INSULT ME!!! DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE MY POWER!!!

Okay, I will... Blah...Blah…Blah… Okay, what really happened. It is now the Hogwarts Express. I happen to stumble-

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You always stumble…

I HAPPENED TO STUMBLE across the faithful compartment that Harry Potter had happened to be sitting in. But, of course, I didn't know that. Fred and George had been saying something about meeting Harry Potter, but knowing that they are always taking the piss with me didn't reassure that.

So, we start talking and it's all dandy and stuff. I get to like him. He was a pretty swell chap! Then, here enters this girl with bushy brown hair… She was a bit pushy and I didn't like it. I think that she said her name was Hermione or something like-

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I am going to hex you, Weasley, just you wait! YOU ALREADY TOLD THAT PART OF THE STORY!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm scared! Fine! I'm going to cut it out and jump along to the Sorting! OKAY?! IS THAT FINE WITH YOU, HERMIONE?!

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Yes, go right ahead.

Grrrr. Anyway, we were all sorted into Gryffindor. Jolly good time it was. Good food…. I believe that my favourite of the dishes was the delectable roast beef! And…and the cakes were goooooooood eatin'! Damn, I'm hungry now! 

Blah blah blah…. First class! Much fun! Hermione was, of course, Miss know-it-all and -

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AND PROUD!

Good, anyway, during our first Potions class, Snape and all of his dark glory had asked Harry a simple question. Of course, he couldn't answer it and Snape didn't call on Hermione because he was being the evil prat that he is and I believe that he took points away from Gryffindor…. Oh wait… Was it that time? No, perhaps I'm getting it mixed up with the countless other times…. Whatever.

So, we jump to Halloween! I had offended Hermione… I can't remember what I did, but I had offended her (Hey! She's not cutting me off! World Record!) and she had run to the Girl's Bathroom to cry. Me, being the good boy that I am --

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Ha!

Just shut up, okay? Anyhow, I decided that- Oh, wait… I forgot to… Okay, scratch the thing about where I decided something.

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Yeah, because he is too dense to decide anything for himself.

IGNORING IT! Okay, before I decided what I was going to do, a huge amount of screaming and shouts were coming from outside of the Great Hall. Professor Quirrell, the lying, sneak of a twit, came running into the Great Hall and shouted, "TROLL!!"

Well, me, being the brave and heroic person that I am, stood up and grabbed Harry. Someone had informed us that Hermione was in the Girl's Bathroom. The troll was there!

Upon entering the water closet, we saw the gargantuan Troll, swing its bloody club at the sinks, destroying everything in its path and Hermione was also in his path! Harry, being the irrational and hormonal prat that he is, jumped on it's back, and stuck his wand up its nose. The Troll, being quite surprised at the horrendous action, dropped his club. Now it was my time to shine! I took out my wand and shouted, "_Wingardium Leviosa!" _ and his club hit him upside the head, causing him to go unconscious! I had saved the day! Go me!

Wait! I had forgotten to mention two very important events that happened before this! Firstly, Harry had become the youngest seeker on a house team for a long time. Secondly, one evening, Malfoy had set up for a duel of something in the Trophy room. As Neville, Harry, Hermione, and I reach there, we had figured out that we had been tricked! So, we go a-dodging Filch in some dark room. Soon, I hear this low rumble. At first, I thought that I was hungry, but it grew louder and louder. Bloody hell, I wanted to die! I was so frightened!!! A huge amount of slobber fell onto my shoulder and I look up to see a humungous three-headed dog. By that time, all four of us were screaming. 

After we escaped, Harry had made a connection with the huge dog and the break-in at Gringotts. He was convinced that that dog was hiding whatever was in vault that everyone had been keeping a secret.

Okay, we're done with that! So, after Harry's first Quidditch (GO CHUDDLEY CANNONS!!!!!!!) Match, we soon find out that that three-headed dog was not only Hagrid's pet, but his name was Fluffy. That is just a very retarded name, no? I mean, come on! Hagrid must have been mental!

Happy Christmas! It's Christmastime! I don't get jack shit, but Harry receives an Invisibility Cloak that was his father's from an anonymous person. Oh, and Hermione was at home. Harry decided that he would sneak into the Restricted Section of the Library to look for a book on Flamel… On his way back, he had stumbled across some pretty mirror thing that showed your deepest desires.

One night, he dragged me along to see it. Upon looking in the mirror, I saw me holding the Quidditch Cup and as Head Boy! I was soooooooooooooooooo amused! So, then, one evening, the easy-to-get-obsessed-with-something-at-the-speed-of-light Harry came back, upset that Dumbledore said that he need not see the mirror again because they were moving it. I told him I was sorry, but inside, I was pointing and laughing. But, then again, I really do hope that my little reflection will come true…. Maybe Harry is going to die soon because he saw his family… Oh! Pensive time!

So, a week or so passes and we discover that Nicholas Flamel is the maker of _The Philospher's Stone!_ Quite a funny story really… We noticed it on the back of a Chocolate Frog card… I always told mum that they were going to save my life one day, and look! I SAVED THE WHOLE BLOODY SCHOOL!!!

Then there was a Quidditch match against Hufflepuff and we won and I am not going to discuss the events because…I'm a bit sensitive…. Stupid Malfoy…. Harry appears in the common room later that night, all in a fluster, and tells us that when he was putting his broom away, he saw Snape and Quirrell in the Forbidden Forrest. Snape was forcing information out of Quirrell about how the Stone was guarded. And seeing as we are who we are, and seeing as he is the scapegoat in all of our mysteries, we immediately think that Snape is the bad guy! But I swear unto you that one day we will see his true colours and he is going to be evil, I tell you! _EVIL!_

Um, I don't really like this incident much, so, I'll sum it up in one sentence: Hagrid raises a baby dragon and Harry sends the beast off to my brother, Charlie, in Romania. Harry and Hermione were caught by Filch upon leaving the tower. I couldn't go because I was bitten by the bloody beast… It shows my superiority!

Harry and Hermione told me that when they were in the Forbidden Forrest serving their detentions, a unicorn-slaying monster attacked Harry. We'll leave it at that…

Soon, we all make connections to the strange events and stuff at school. Harry finds that it is odd that Hagrid met a creepy dude in a hood and then told him how to get past Fluffy by playing music! Our curiosity and anxiousness peaked and we grabbed Harry's flute, which was a Christmas present from Hagrid, and go and play some moooooooooosick! 

After we got past Fluffy, we were soon ensnared by the Devil's Snare (no pun intended). I was the last to get out, because, I admit, I was too scared to stop struggling (no, actually, Hermione fended it off with the Incendio charm). Then, in the next room, Harry caught a flying key and had another moment of glory to add to the collection. Then, the next room was a giant chessboard! It was my specialty, seeing as I'm the chess master! So, okay, lalalalalalalalalala. Here I am faced with a problem. I can win, however, I have to sacrifice myself. I decide that I will sacrifice myself. I do. I sacrifice myself. I sacrificed myself for my friends.

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Cut the drama.

The next room, I was told, was a potion room, they picked the best potion, and Hermione was left behind. 

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I sacrificed myself. I did. I sacrificed myself for-

Okay, so You-Know-Who and Professor Quirrell were attached to each other like mutant Siamese Twins. I wondered how it would have been for Quirrell to go to the bathroom and have You-Know-Who there too… Sort of creepy, no? I know I wouldn't like it. Glory. Glory. Glory. Glory. Glory. Quirrell is defeated and You-Know-Who flees the scene again!

Harry is triumphant! YAY! NO ACKNOWLEDGMENT TO US!!

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Actually, there was, Ron. Remember we got points?

Oh, yeah…. So, technically, Slytherin was supposed to have won the House Cup, but Gryffindor won because, you know, we did.

The End.

Or so you think!!!!

Author Note: _Sorry that it had taken me forever to add this chapter. Sometimes things happen and there is nothin' you can do 'bout it. I hope you enjoyed. I'm going to do a chapter for each book, so bear with me!!! Reviews are nice…_


	3. Chapter Two: The Chamber of Secrets

A/N: Sorry that this chapter is quite late. My schedule's been pretty hectic lately, barely leaving me anytime to write! But, yes… I'll be leaving for Chicago next week and I'll be gone for five weeks. With that time, I'll try to write two to three more chapters whilst reading for summer reading. School gets in the way, even during the summer. Can someone explain that?! Please?! Once again, Hermione is in italics and Ron is in regular.

Disclaimer: Only J.K. Rowling owns these characters, not me, despite how very envious I am.

Chapter Two- The Chamber of Secrets

I didn't get to see Harry or Ron until (a few days before term started) I spotted them in Diagon Alley. I hadn't done too much that summer except homework and visiting some family.

Harry had told me about the house elf that appeared in his room during the break. I was initially shocked because, as you very well know (or should know), house elves usually never leave their masters. However, I think that they should leave and that the possession of house elves should be illegal.

Well, I find them rather useful

You would, wouldn't you?

That's right!

You're impossible!

Thanks!

Argh! You make me want to rip out my hair!

Go ahead, there's enough to spare.

I'm about ready to do you some serious damage!!

Yeah... Okay...

So, anyway, Ron, perhaps you should talk about the Burrow because I wasn't there and I don't care to lie.

'Kay. So, George, Fred, and I rescued Harry from the Dursleys. They had put bars on his window, which was a rather pathetic statement. So, I saved the day by bringing Harry home to the Burrow.

Mum gets angry with my brothers and I because we flew the car to Surrey and back without the Invisibility Booster on. At least we weren't seen.

Oh, the dramatic irony

Very funny. Punishment included teaching Harry how to degnome a garden. Goodness that boy is slow. I don't know how the teachers do it...

Ron!

What? It's true and you know it.

Yeah...

Told ya!

Um... Ron, I agreed with you...

Whatever, Hermy. Tee-hee.**Hermione slaps Ron upside the head.**

_Don't make fun of Grawp!_

Fine, fine! So, umm... Harry slow... err... Oh yes! I remember now.

I'd say that _you _were the slow one.

Don't be a bitch, Hermione.

Watch your tongue with me, boy!

May I please continue?!

Yes...

Thanks. So, we teach Harry how to use Floo Powder, too. It goes terribly because he can't follow simple instructions and speak clearly, so, he ends up in Knockturn Alley. He emerges with Hagrid and Hermione runs towards him. Take it from here, shuga.

What the hell did you just call me?!

Shuga... Sorry... I was listening to 'Hey Ya' by some Muggle rap people. I normally don't like that crap, but this song just gets me going!

Riiiight... Anyway, I run towards Harry and repair his glasses because…they were bothering me--all broken like that. He thanks me as I smile and nod.

We finally arrive in Flourish and Blotts to see the wonderfully charming---

Or so you thought...

--Lockhart. Harry gets to bask in some more glory as Lockhart recognizes him and gets a picture with him for the Daily Prophet and gives him copies of all of his books for free. I wish that I could have been him!

You're weird.

That boosts my self-esteem. So, we part and don't see each other until school starts, literally, because Ron and Harry take the liberty of being complete morons and flying Mr. Weasley's car to Hogwarts because the barrier was closed.

It was scary! That was a long sentence…

I don't blame Professor Snape for being extremely angry with you two boys. I still can't believe that you were seen. How horrible. They were both on the verge of expulsion, but Professor McGonagall saved them by issuing both of them a mere detention.

Whilst they met me outside of the portrait of the Fat Lady, I was appalled and even lectured them.

Just... Shut up...

Oh? Hormonal are we?

Sod off, Granger...

So, anyway, Gilderoy Lockhart is the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Personally, I thought that he was a great teacher, despite a few faults.

First off, Hermione, he had many faults. Second of all, well, he wasn't a –

Ron! Wait until the END of the story, okay? You tell me_ to shut up... What about you? His first class was rather interesting. I'll get to that in a moment._

Ron received a Howler to everyone's amusement, but his.

Yeah, that's about right... My mum didn't need to send me a Howler, that's for sure...

I would have done the same thing to my _son._

You're too much like my mum...

Well, Herbology was eventful. We got to uproot Mandrakes and re-pot them! Then there was Transfiguration. We were assigned the task of—

No one really cares about the lessons, Hermione. No one honestly cares.

.....Whatever, Ron. Lockhart's class... Interesting as I've mentioned...

Yeah, she outlined each of his lessons in little hearts...

Shut it! No I didn't! Argh! Anyway! He gave us a quiz about himself, just to see if we had read the books. I got full marks! After that, he extracted a cage full of Cornish pixies. He opened the cage, causing complete mayhem... I had to use a Freezing Charm to immobilize the pixies because Lockhart and the class fled the scene as soon as the bell rang. Harry didn't do much of anything and neither did Ron.

Nothing much happened after that except for Malfoy calling me a 'Mudblood' (which I've become immune to by now) and dear Ron defending me by attempting to hex Malfoy with his broken wand, but failing because the spell backfired from his broken wand.

Puking slugs is a nasty business.

Wisdom of the day... Later that night, Ron and Harry had to serve their detentions. Harry had told me that near the end of the session, he began to hear a voice... However, no one else could...

Yeah, and we immediately began to worry about his sanity.

Just about... Harry thought that he was the cleverest little lad when he found out that Filch was a Squib, whilst being saved from getting into trouble by Nearly Headless Nick. He bounds into the common room, telling us that we were invited to Nearly Headless Nick's Death day Party. I was excited because not many living people could say that they have been to one. It was fastenating, actually, but I had to play 'keep away from Moaning Myrtle'... Gosh, she's annoying... But, I felt terrible for Nick... Not being able to join the Headless Hunt and all...

Finally, after we leave the party, Harry hears the voice again... He began to follow it, leaving Ron and I no choice but to follow him. Then we saw it painted on the wall in blood:

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED.

ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.

There was a petrified Mrs. Norris underneath, hanging from a torch. I was completely astonished... Malfoy came to the front of the crowd and said something to the effect of, "Enemies of the Heir, beware! You'll be next, Mudbloods!"

Yeah, it's always either Snape or Malfoy who we are convinced are the bad guys, but it always ends up being You-Know-Who.

So very true... Ron? Can you continue from here for a bit? I have to go and tutor Neville...

Erm... Sure... Where were we? Oh... The Mrs. Norris but... I don't like that cat... I don't like cats, period, really... But, anyway, Filch was angry! He was like, "I'm gonna kill you!" to Harry. Then Dumbledore came and calmed him down. He motioned for us to go into Lockhart's office. Yay! It seemed that we had gotten into trouble again... It's probably because I have red hair, but... Yeah... We found out that Mrs. Norris was not dead, but petrified, like Hermione already stated. Filch was still intent upon blaming Harry for it. Snape gave the impression that he was defending us, but then the greaseball kept questioning us... Utter prat... Then there was an argument who was going to make the potion stuff for the bloody cat... We didn't get in trouble.

For the next few weeks, Hermione and other rather annoying students kept asking different professors if they would tell us about the Chamber of Secrets. Finally, Professor Binns gave in and told us. I'll sum it up: Salazar Slytherin was a prat, so he was intent on only making Hogwarts for purebloods. Well, angry that the other founders didn't agree with him, he threw a hissy fit and built some secret chamber that hides a monster. The end.

Everyone began to believe that Harry was Slytherin's heir. 'Course, we all know otherwise. But, um... One day we saw a bunch of arachnids...

Back.... Arachnids? What?

S-S-Spiders... Well, they were acting curiously and, uh... Hermione, will you continue?

Surely... Well, the 'arachnids' were acting very odd. So, well, we didn't pay much attention to that until later. Myrtle was crying... Boo hoo... Wait...

Uh, Hermione.... Why is Professor McGonagall eyeing our parchment like that? Oh no... It... She... She's coming! Hide the parchment!

Right um... We'll continue this later.... Must not tarnish perfect record... Must not... tarnish... perfect... record...

You've had detention before...

SHUT UP, RON!

To be continued....


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